Baby Steps

I’m not quite sure what to write here. This isn’t a school project or me trying to prove that I’m a great writer (which, let’s face it, I’m not), but I think this is me trying to figure stuff out. Myself, to be exact. I’m not going through a mid-life (quarter life?) crisis or anything, but I’m kind of confused as to where my life is heading. Of course there’s no way to tell where I’ll be in 10 years, or even 5, but thinking about it scares the hell out of me.

I remember being 10 and telling myself, “when I’m 16, I’ll have this and that”. When I turned 16, I told myself, “when I’m 18, I’ll know what to do”. And yet again, I didn’t. I didn’t know anything regarding my future. I wasn’t even completely sure what route I wanted to go in university. I am now 19, sitting in my bedroom, writing a post on a blog that hardly anyone will read…at 3 am. I used to love talking about my future. Whenever I would talk about it to my friends, they would freak out and tell me to not mention it, or give me the famous “I don’t want to talk about it” line. I never really understood them until now. I don’t want to talk about it because I’m really not sure what I’m doing with it. I see all these people that have accomplished so much in the 19 years they have been in this world, and then I look at myself. Now, I know comparing myself isn’t the best option, but sometimes you have to give yourself a bit of tough love. I know that I am capable of accomplishing so much more, and it’s a bit frustrating because I’m not sure what’s stopping me. I guess the future never really bothered me until now because I never had to face the outside. I didn’t have to deal with student loans and finding jobs (to pay off those loans). I was just stuck in my own bubble of “my parents will pay for it” and “I’ll have money in the future, that’s not a problem”. But the more I think about it, the more it freaks me out, and the more I try to avoid it. Now I know that’s probably not the best solution, but I’m working on it. Taking baby steps, but at least it’s something. Not sure where these steps are leading to though. I don’t want to end up with a ton of student debt and no job with the useless degree I graduate with. I think I just really need to set realistic goals for myself. Guess I should probably scratch “get rich” off the list (it’s a very old list, alright?!).

3:25 am. Well, I’ve heard that writing is pretty therapeutic for people. Not quite sure if it worked for me, but I do feel a bit more collected and at ease. I’m not sure whether I’m going to continue pouring out my 3 am thoughts on this blog/web page or whatever, but I’ll try to keep you updated (whoever you are). Okay, I feel like I’m just rambling on at this point. Uh, not sure how to sign off on this…

Stay tuned (or don’t – your choice),